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Saturday, November 12, 2011

lost.

the babies are on a visit currently.  I really don't know what to do.  There are a lot of things I'd like to do (paint my toes, watch a movie, read a book, update blog..) but I'm kind of just wanting to do nothing.  I was given court papers, we go this Friday.  I hope we can keep it short and sweet but I have a feeling he's going to try to fight me on every single thing.  I'm trying to keep it simple as can be.  We've already agreed on visitation schedule / holidays etc.  It's all the little crap.  Do this, Don't do that.  I want this, I don't want that.  I just ask that my babies are in a healthy environment and kept safe.  Everything else really doesn't matter at this point.  Our relationship is in the past, there isn't a damn thing we can do about it now.  What all the fighting, arguing and bullshit boils down to.. we have two children that we need to care for and raise.  What's the best way to accomplish that given our current states? 

He wants me to have a mental health evaluation because he believes I am emotionally abusive.  This came after I requested that he submit to random drug testing.  10+ years of off and on drug / alcohol (over) usage, I believe that to be understandable.  Granted I don't have any physical proof of this but he has admitted to it.  Even on the PPP.  The paperwork I received has his little thought bubbles ALL over it (the mother must do this),  (the father can do this) (things should be done this way)  I'm sure it all looks good on paper to him.  Let get serious.  Life doesn't work that way.  And a judge really doesn't care about all that.  They just want to see what our schedule looks like, the rest of it we need to work out on our own.  I can understand that we wants some sort of "control" over the situation.  He wants his parental rights to be heard.  The reality of it.  The children live with me therefore I make most of the day to day decisions.  I work full time, the kids go to daycare.  If he had reliable transportation and a suitable place for the children to go during the day (that's not 2 hours away from their home) then sure we could work out that they stay with him.  The reality of it.  HE cannot provide those things therefore they attend daycare.  They are safe, interacting and the kicker my daycare lady is an RN and helped deliver both children.  I trust them. 

It has taken me a long time to accept that this is how my children will grow up.  I don't like it but they do need both of their parents and families.  For the past two years I have been pushing and pushing that their father become self sufficient, independent etc but I've come to realize that he won't.  He likes his life the way it is.  There are a lot of "what if" scenarios.. but this is the reality.

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